i don't know exactly what prompted me to go back and look through old conversations on Facebook on pages abandoned long ago, but i resent whatever that thing was. i've spent the past six hours flipping through paragraphs and paragraphs of words that felt so great at the time, lead to the down-spiraling of my life, and once again feel absolutely wonderful.
if you can make any sense of that, kudos. it's just that these are things from the best time of my life... and when that time came to an end, i got really bad, ditched the internet for a string of months, took a few trips to the hospital, and thanked Pete Wentz for being there with words that made me take a baby step back from the edge. then i returned to the online community, minus half of my friends and a... boyfriend... sort of... thing? i don't really know what we were or what we did, but i know that it ended in a bang and made a huge crack through the center of the community.
since then, and including then, i've made a few new friends, but mostly lost some more, some due to their asshole-ness and some to my own lack of a social game. whatever the reason, i miss them all.
especially the assholes. i guess that's yet another thing that plays off of my ever-confusing self-abusive nature that leads me to always be in relationships with people who will treat me terribly. and i... desire that? um. go figure.
i'm confused, tired, and i've barely stopped crying. but, like. nostalgia crying. missing people. i'm definitely okay, but not quite sane.
It is because of the mother who, after I explained why we should have marriage equality, told me that LGBT* people can just be in relationships without marriage. Then when told that, by that logic, straight people don’t need to be married either, told me I’m “too young to understand.”
It is for the kids who didn't make it.
- Misery by Stephen King
- Rant by Chuck Palaniuk
- A Clockwork Orange
- original Star Wars trilogy
- Pokemon Black 2
- Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time
- Psycho Pass
- Sword Art Online
- Doom Patrol v. 1
- learn at least two (2) more songs on guitar
- get into better shape
- organize my room
i have now been home from Seattle for a week, and about 3/4 of that has been spent watching Friends reruns, sleeping, or rereading books that i've already read ten times. completely ignoring the fifteen new books i bought in Seattle along with World War Z, which i am determined to finish before i see the movie next week.
i'm seeing fall out boy a week from tomorrow and i am ecstatic. let's just not touch on how i haven't even purchased my ticket yet. stubhub and i are in a wonderful game of roulette. seriously, i am not paying $90 to see them, just like how they're not going to be charing $90 when it comes to be two days before the show and they still have tickets to get rid of. but i am going for sure. i already have the hotel room and everything. also, as it's a three hour drive to st. louis and i can't be there at the crack of dawn, i have two friends who will be there and promised to get me an early entrance wristband when they get theirs. oh, how i love people. sometimes. when they're my friends.
oh! and i've also made it to the fourth dungeon on Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time for the 3DS, which i am very proud of.
-my laptop broke. i don't even feel like going into detail about it, but let's just say it happened within minutes of when i finished my beta work on a bbb fic. before i saved it. wonderful.
-Mikey's new band. um. wow, i'm too much of a bitter old woman to even be happy for him. i guess the way my mind is going (and a lot of other people's, i'm assuming?) is that they didn't want to be in a band, so they broke up, right? not really. because they're all making music, excluding gerard. so it's really that they just... didn't want to be in MCR (and we could go on for hours about how Frank probably DID still want to be, but whatever).
-i'm in seattle, which is good, but also bad because my aunt and uncle work almost every goddamn day (from super super early until late evening) and so i have absolutely no way of getting anywhere. so i'm pretty much stranded in a freezing house all day. but it's still wonderful because i'm getting writing done and they have really fast internet.
-i just saw Now You See Me in theatres (seriously, "just," because i walked in the door about two minutes before i started typing this). um. i am going to have to make a movie log post about this tomorrow, because i have a LOT of thoughts, most of which will need to be under a spoiler cut. note that it is under the "good," though.
-i'm meeting my tumblr friend Sarah tomorrow and i am really, really excited. however, i am having this serious girl freakout moment in which i have no clue what to wear. um. i am going to see a friend. who i know from the internet. at the mall. not really a great cause for anxiety, but then again, not many situations are, and yet it still happens. every. day.
-i'm in seattle! as was mentioned before. this is really good, though, guys. i didn't realize how much until i got here, but i NEEDED this. i needed to get out of bumfuck, illinois. we've only really been able to do things at night, but that still gave me some time at some awesome restaurants and also this used book store in which i spent about $60 (on USED books. do you realize how many books that is?! i have to ship them back because they won't fit in my suitcase). also, tonight we went to this restaurant called The Rock, which is a pizza place based on classic rock stuff. it was seriously the coolest place EVER and they also have possibly the greatest pizza i've ever eaten. and our waittress was really cool and put 14 cherries in my Shirley Temple (i counted).
stay classy. xx
sorry. my mind is far from sane right now.
i'm around halfway done with all of my beta work, which is about where i wanted to be at this point. the other half will have to be put off until friday, though. studying tonight. and tomorrow. and wednesday. i have math, english, and science finals, in that order. plus my computer project, due thursday. plus running, as i only have a few weeks until Steamboat, and my endurance is absolute shit right now. and i have this unrealistic idea in my mind that, on top of all of this, i can also finish the anime i'm watching before friday.
friday is Anime Central! i am so psyched. my mind has been springfevertourspringfevertourspringfeve
five days of school. three tests, one project. convention. field trip. promotion.
i've got it.
i had my science final yesterday and my social studies final today, and got a 100% and a 99%, respectively. i'm so relieved, because i was really worried, even though i've never really done bad on tests in either of those subjects. i'm just glad they're out of the way, though.
i also had to do my demonstration speech today to prove that i have adequate public speaking skills and also can properly show how to make brownies. i think that turned out really well, too.
so, eight days. math final. poetry book. powerpoint about life in the 20s. and finishing my clock in wood shop. i've got this down.
and now i shall turn on SelfControl and some upbeat music and get to beta'ing.
except sam is supposed to be leaving to pick me up at 11, which is... 19 minutes from now. am i'm pretty sure she's not awake yet, as she hasn't answered any of my messages on tumblr. i can't really call her, because she dropped her phone in the toilet and it is now dead. joy.
we're going to end up getting in line really late and then be in the very back of the arena (it's at the Sears Centre). oh, and it's also going to be about 45 degrees and pouring down rain. my excitement has dwindled.
more about the show tomorrow xx
so, for the first two weeks of june, my parents are going to be on a long trip to san diego/vegas/utah for a marathon, amongst other things. now, for the past three months, i've been trying to convince them that i should go stay with my amazing aunt and uncle in my favorite city, seattle, while they're gone. they've had every reason in the world why this wouldn't work; it's my aunt and uncle's anniversary week; i can't fly alone; the flight times wouldn't work with theirs. the last time i mentioned it was about a week ago, to my dad, and he didn't say anything. i figured that they were probably getting pretty annoyed with me talking about it, since the answer was obviously no.
my uncle, the one from seattle, is in town visiting my grandma because of her bad health. tonight, he and my parents and i all went out to eat at my favorite restaurant, this little vegan place called One World. we were there for a long time and i thought it was kind of weird that we were sticking around that long after eating, but not weird enough to think something was going on. but, oh, it was.
a bunch of stuff happened, but long story short, my mom handed me an envelope/file thing with a laminated green (my favorite color) paper inside. and the paper basically said something like "Your Flight Information" at the top with the word "SEATTLE" right under it.
i'm flying alone to seattle. for 18 days. and. i. can. not. wait. it's a month from today and i am seriously freaking out. i guess i can't believe how surprised i was. i never even considered that they'd be doing some secretive thing. and it's just so great. super, super excited.
i think my grandma is going to die soon.
she went into the hospital again last night, this time from not being able to breathe. for those of you who don’t know, my grandma has been using oxygen tanks since she was in critical condition (and expected to die) in february 2009. then, she broke her hand in september 2012 and had to go into a physical rehabilitation center (similar to a nursing home) that she was probably never going to leave- until they proved to have bad living conditions and she got pneumonia and got to go home in november. her broken hand never healed because of the way it’s broken, and her health was too bad for them to do surgery on. she can't really do anything without my grandpa’s help (including going to the bathroom).
and i really think it's near the end. and i’m okay with that. i think. i mean, people were trying to prepare me for her death back in 2009- and i was really, really young then, young and scared and fuckin' confused. i’m so grateful that i got more time and now i’m older and i know that she had a really long life and that she’s in a ton of pain and i’m sad as hell but i can accept it. probably a lot better than i would have a few years ago.
the hardest part will probably be seeing my dad in pain, because that’s just so hard for me to imagine. i just don’t know how this will affect his life overall (and ultimately, mine). sigh, sigh.
this all makes me sound more mature than i feel.
on more sunny topics, my essays in my student council application were apparently "outstanding amongst [my] class" and so i got in! woo, resume, and all that. my brother brought down that excitement by informing me that being on student council means that i have to be more social next year. oh, joy.
i highly doubt my email was actually hacked, as i don't use it for anything other than getting notifications from sites (i almost never send mail), so it was probably a virus. according to yahoo, i sent out a few spam messages yesterday afternoon... to random email addresses that don't even look legitimate. woohoo, your account is suspended, and all that.
the one day that i actually need to send something. oh, joy.
2. i think that reading frank's post yesterday was the thing that i needed to finally reach the "acceptance" stage of grief. it seems like everything's been laid to rest now, y'know? like, "we've buried the hatchet. we're not digging it back up." except, of course, gerard is liveblogging as he listens to the records, so it's not really buried.... (thanks, gerard).
3. h[a/o]ppy easter! if you're still at the suitable age for an easter basket (my dad is 51 and gets one), i hope you got lots of cool stuff and/or candy! i got Rise of the Guardians on dvd and my costco trailmix that is soon being discontinued. the cabinet is now stuffed full of it.
4. i spent my easter afternoon at my aunt's house for lunch/dinner. i'm not one for family things, but i was really happy to get to see my cousin cody, as he's is a) my favorite person in the world and b) now living in chicago, aka: 3+ hours away. we talked about mcr breaking up, fall out boy coming back, and supernatural. also, he offered up his couch for warped tour! i'm really happy- he lives super close to tinley park, so it's a lot better than having to get a chicago hotel.
5. i have six reclists open right now. six. and i am procrastinating at getting to them. i'm going through every single well-written peterick fic that i can find despite not being a huge fan of peterick fanfiction. it's to fuel my reclist-making addiction (even though i don't have a BLOG right now, so what's the point?) since my 130-plus-frerard-fic-reclist is sort of proof that i should try reading other things. oh, bbb, please come sooner and bring with it amazing fics.
6. people give me too many feelings. i do not think i can handle having a "crush" right now.
7. thank god for small mercies such as tomorrow being april 1st. i am officially allowed to run again tomorrow. well, i'm officially allowed to run intervals. long runs are still off-limits until april 14th. that's probably a good thing, because after a month of practically nothing, even intervals are going to absolutely kill me. wish me luck.