Jul. 28th, 2013 12:43 am
llyrical: (Default)
[personal profile] llyrical
 ah, yes. one of the simultaneously best and worst feelings in the world. 

i don't know exactly what prompted me to go back and look through old conversations on Facebook on pages abandoned long ago, but i resent whatever that thing was. i've spent the past six hours flipping through paragraphs and paragraphs of words that felt so great at the time, lead to the down-spiraling of my life, and once again feel absolutely wonderful. 

if you can make any sense of that, kudos. it's just that these are things from the best time of my life... and when that time came to an end, i got really bad, ditched the internet for a string of months, took a few trips to the hospital, and thanked Pete Wentz for being there with words that made me take a baby step back from the edge. then i returned to the online community, minus half of my friends and a... boyfriend... sort of... thing? i don't really know what we were or what we did, but i know that it ended in a bang and made a huge crack through the center of the community. 

since then, and including then, i've made a few new friends, but mostly lost some more, some due to their asshole-ness and some to my own lack of a social game. whatever the reason, i miss them all. 

especially the assholes. i guess that's yet another thing that plays off of my ever-confusing self-abusive nature that leads me to always be in relationships with people who will treat me terribly. and i... desire that? um. go figure. 

i'm confused, tired, and i've barely stopped crying. but, like. nostalgia crying. missing people. i'm definitely okay, but not quite sane. 

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