i don't know exactly what prompted me to go back and look through old conversations on Facebook on pages abandoned long ago, but i resent whatever that thing was. i've spent the past six hours flipping through paragraphs and paragraphs of words that felt so great at the time, lead to the down-spiraling of my life, and once again feel absolutely wonderful.
if you can make any sense of that, kudos. it's just that these are things from the best time of my life... and when that time came to an end, i got really bad, ditched the internet for a string of months, took a few trips to the hospital, and thanked Pete Wentz for being there with words that made me take a baby step back from the edge. then i returned to the online community, minus half of my friends and a... boyfriend... sort of... thing? i don't really know what we were or what we did, but i know that it ended in a bang and made a huge crack through the center of the community.
since then, and including then, i've made a few new friends, but mostly lost some more, some due to their asshole-ness and some to my own lack of a social game. whatever the reason, i miss them all.
especially the assholes. i guess that's yet another thing that plays off of my ever-confusing self-abusive nature that leads me to always be in relationships with people who will treat me terribly. and i... desire that? um. go figure.
i'm confused, tired, and i've barely stopped crying. but, like. nostalgia crying. missing people. i'm definitely okay, but not quite sane.
-Tonight Alive! they played Amelia and gave a big speech about it, and i cried. again. you'll probably see this as a repeating trend.
-William Beckett, oh my god. he played About a Girl because it's Chicago, and Chicago is so important to him. it was about a million degrees inside his tent, but totally worth it. i stood in line for over an hour to get to meet him, and it was probably the greatest moment ever. i was totally frozen, though. he signed some posters and stuff for me, and i gave him my "thank you for saving my life" letter. then he reached out to shake my hand and i kinda choked out, "getting to meet you really means a lot to me," and he just grabbed my hand in both of his and stared at me for a really long time. and i could tell he really GETS IT, y'know? then he smiled and said, "thank you so much. i'm so glad." i walked away sobbing so hard that a security guard asked me if i was okay. i was not.
-i skipped seeing Sleeping With Sirens and instead saw Forever the Sickest Kids. i do not regret my decision. they were so fucking good. i was amazed. they were probably the best ones live. also, i met and hugged Caleb later on, and as i was walking away he yelled, "hey! i love you!" and i tripped and made choking noises.
-i was expecting Anarbor to be good, but definitely not THAT good. seriously, jesus. voice porn. and every fucking member of that band is drop-dead gorgeous. i'm so glad i got to see them.
-Go Radio! wow. they weren't very good in their first song (Collide), but they got fantastic pretty damn quick. they played When Dreaming Gets Drastic, I Won't Lie, and Go to Hell. it was so great. at the very end, i almost got Alex's pick, but it landed between me and this other girl and i let her get it since i got one during For the Foxes.
overall, it was probably the best day ever (hence the theme of this year's tour). it made for a perfect first Warped. if i could live that day over and over forever, i totally would, and i would not do anything differently (except maybe bringing more food. that was so dumb of me).
i just found a mostly-new Pokemon Crystal on Craigslist for $5, and if the guy responds to my email, i will absolutely die of happiness. let's hope for that.
It is because of the mother who, after I explained why we should have marriage equality, told me that LGBT* people can just be in relationships without marriage. Then when told that, by that logic, straight people don’t need to be married either, told me I’m “too young to understand.”
It is for the kids who didn't make it.
- Misery by Stephen King
- Rant by Chuck Palaniuk
- A Clockwork Orange
- original Star Wars trilogy
- Pokemon Black 2
- Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time
- Psycho Pass
- Sword Art Online
- Doom Patrol v. 1
- learn at least two (2) more songs on guitar
- get into better shape
- organize my room
instant download tickets right now are $79 + $5, so $84. and jesus. i seriously cannot pay that much. i mean, i would pay $74. but not $84. i just can't afford it. i owe my dad tons of money and i'm also considering all of the cash i'm going to blow at Warped.
the cheapest thing right now is a UPS ticket which is $50 + $17, so $67, which is a lot better. but it says it would arrive on thursday. should i do this? like, there's a super high chance that it (A) is fake and (B) won't arrive by thursday, and in both cases i would be royally fucked.
my mother is encouraging me to keep waiting for the instant download tickets to get cheaper. there are 13 instant download GA tickets left. and now i'm getting to anxious about it that i'm fucking crying and i feel sick. not the best way to start out a week, especially one that's supposed to be great.
i have now been home from Seattle for a week, and about 3/4 of that has been spent watching Friends reruns, sleeping, or rereading books that i've already read ten times. completely ignoring the fifteen new books i bought in Seattle along with World War Z, which i am determined to finish before i see the movie next week.
i'm seeing fall out boy a week from tomorrow and i am ecstatic. let's just not touch on how i haven't even purchased my ticket yet. stubhub and i are in a wonderful game of roulette. seriously, i am not paying $90 to see them, just like how they're not going to be charing $90 when it comes to be two days before the show and they still have tickets to get rid of. but i am going for sure. i already have the hotel room and everything. also, as it's a three hour drive to st. louis and i can't be there at the crack of dawn, i have two friends who will be there and promised to get me an early entrance wristband when they get theirs. oh, how i love people. sometimes. when they're my friends.
oh! and i've also made it to the fourth dungeon on Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time for the 3DS, which i am very proud of.
-my laptop broke. i don't even feel like going into detail about it, but let's just say it happened within minutes of when i finished my beta work on a bbb fic. before i saved it. wonderful.
-Mikey's new band. um. wow, i'm too much of a bitter old woman to even be happy for him. i guess the way my mind is going (and a lot of other people's, i'm assuming?) is that they didn't want to be in a band, so they broke up, right? not really. because they're all making music, excluding gerard. so it's really that they just... didn't want to be in MCR (and we could go on for hours about how Frank probably DID still want to be, but whatever).
-i'm in seattle, which is good, but also bad because my aunt and uncle work almost every goddamn day (from super super early until late evening) and so i have absolutely no way of getting anywhere. so i'm pretty much stranded in a freezing house all day. but it's still wonderful because i'm getting writing done and they have really fast internet.
-i just saw Now You See Me in theatres (seriously, "just," because i walked in the door about two minutes before i started typing this). um. i am going to have to make a movie log post about this tomorrow, because i have a LOT of thoughts, most of which will need to be under a spoiler cut. note that it is under the "good," though.
-i'm meeting my tumblr friend Sarah tomorrow and i am really, really excited. however, i am having this serious girl freakout moment in which i have no clue what to wear. um. i am going to see a friend. who i know from the internet. at the mall. not really a great cause for anxiety, but then again, not many situations are, and yet it still happens. every. day.
-i'm in seattle! as was mentioned before. this is really good, though, guys. i didn't realize how much until i got here, but i NEEDED this. i needed to get out of bumfuck, illinois. we've only really been able to do things at night, but that still gave me some time at some awesome restaurants and also this used book store in which i spent about $60 (on USED books. do you realize how many books that is?! i have to ship them back because they won't fit in my suitcase). also, tonight we went to this restaurant called The Rock, which is a pizza place based on classic rock stuff. it was seriously the coolest place EVER and they also have possibly the greatest pizza i've ever eaten. and our waittress was really cool and put 14 cherries in my Shirley Temple (i counted).
stay classy. xx
sorry. my mind is far from sane right now.
i'm around halfway done with all of my beta work, which is about where i wanted to be at this point. the other half will have to be put off until friday, though. studying tonight. and tomorrow. and wednesday. i have math, english, and science finals, in that order. plus my computer project, due thursday. plus running, as i only have a few weeks until Steamboat, and my endurance is absolute shit right now. and i have this unrealistic idea in my mind that, on top of all of this, i can also finish the anime i'm watching before friday.
friday is Anime Central! i am so psyched. my mind has been springfevertourspringfevertourspringfeve
five days of school. three tests, one project. convention. field trip. promotion.
i've got it.
i had my science final yesterday and my social studies final today, and got a 100% and a 99%, respectively. i'm so relieved, because i was really worried, even though i've never really done bad on tests in either of those subjects. i'm just glad they're out of the way, though.
i also had to do my demonstration speech today to prove that i have adequate public speaking skills and also can properly show how to make brownies. i think that turned out really well, too.
so, eight days. math final. poetry book. powerpoint about life in the 20s. and finishing my clock in wood shop. i've got this down.
and now i shall turn on SelfControl and some upbeat music and get to beta'ing.
except sam is supposed to be leaving to pick me up at 11, which is... 19 minutes from now. am i'm pretty sure she's not awake yet, as she hasn't answered any of my messages on tumblr. i can't really call her, because she dropped her phone in the toilet and it is now dead. joy.
we're going to end up getting in line really late and then be in the very back of the arena (it's at the Sears Centre). oh, and it's also going to be about 45 degrees and pouring down rain. my excitement has dwindled.
more about the show tomorrow xx
so, for the first two weeks of june, my parents are going to be on a long trip to san diego/vegas/utah for a marathon, amongst other things. now, for the past three months, i've been trying to convince them that i should go stay with my amazing aunt and uncle in my favorite city, seattle, while they're gone. they've had every reason in the world why this wouldn't work; it's my aunt and uncle's anniversary week; i can't fly alone; the flight times wouldn't work with theirs. the last time i mentioned it was about a week ago, to my dad, and he didn't say anything. i figured that they were probably getting pretty annoyed with me talking about it, since the answer was obviously no.
my uncle, the one from seattle, is in town visiting my grandma because of her bad health. tonight, he and my parents and i all went out to eat at my favorite restaurant, this little vegan place called One World. we were there for a long time and i thought it was kind of weird that we were sticking around that long after eating, but not weird enough to think something was going on. but, oh, it was.
a bunch of stuff happened, but long story short, my mom handed me an envelope/file thing with a laminated green (my favorite color) paper inside. and the paper basically said something like "Your Flight Information" at the top with the word "SEATTLE" right under it.
i'm flying alone to seattle. for 18 days. and. i. can. not. wait. it's a month from today and i am seriously freaking out. i guess i can't believe how surprised i was. i never even considered that they'd be doing some secretive thing. and it's just so great. super, super excited.
i think my grandma is going to die soon.
she went into the hospital again last night, this time from not being able to breathe. for those of you who don’t know, my grandma has been using oxygen tanks since she was in critical condition (and expected to die) in february 2009. then, she broke her hand in september 2012 and had to go into a physical rehabilitation center (similar to a nursing home) that she was probably never going to leave- until they proved to have bad living conditions and she got pneumonia and got to go home in november. her broken hand never healed because of the way it’s broken, and her health was too bad for them to do surgery on. she can't really do anything without my grandpa’s help (including going to the bathroom).
and i really think it's near the end. and i’m okay with that. i think. i mean, people were trying to prepare me for her death back in 2009- and i was really, really young then, young and scared and fuckin' confused. i’m so grateful that i got more time and now i’m older and i know that she had a really long life and that she’s in a ton of pain and i’m sad as hell but i can accept it. probably a lot better than i would have a few years ago.
the hardest part will probably be seeing my dad in pain, because that’s just so hard for me to imagine. i just don’t know how this will affect his life overall (and ultimately, mine). sigh, sigh.
this all makes me sound more mature than i feel.
on more sunny topics, my essays in my student council application were apparently "outstanding amongst [my] class" and so i got in! woo, resume, and all that. my brother brought down that excitement by informing me that being on student council means that i have to be more social next year. oh, joy.
i highly doubt my email was actually hacked, as i don't use it for anything other than getting notifications from sites (i almost never send mail), so it was probably a virus. according to yahoo, i sent out a few spam messages yesterday afternoon... to random email addresses that don't even look legitimate. woohoo, your account is suspended, and all that.
the one day that i actually need to send something. oh, joy.
so, today i checked out The Giver from the school library. and.... i just finished it. ok. i decided to read it because TWO people (my mom and my math teacher) told me to after reading my story project for my english class last month. it was a story about a town in which individuality is illegal and there's this boy pete and he escapes and then he saves his town with music (yes, it's a Save Rock and Roll joke). they both asked me, serperately, if the town was based off of the Community in The Giver. i had never read The Giver before. so, i finally got around to it today.
i am seriously in so much shock at how the town in my story is almost exactly like the one in The Giver.
i like jonas as a character. how in the beginning, he is so obviously a victim of the town's Sameness, but at the end, after learning how different everything was, he is so angry and so willing for change. i really like how color was the first thing that he Received that no one else did. however, that also confused me- if no one could see color, what did everything look like? was it all black and white?
whether this was intended by the author or not, this book scared me. it's a terrifying idea that the world could some day be like this, and i'm relieved that i can say for certain i'll never live through it.
oh, and i was totally right on what "release" was going to be. kind of disappointing, because i ALWAYS call things out in books right from the beginning. despair, despair.
the ending really confused me (just the last two pages), so i did a horrible thing that i should be chastised for: i went and read the Wikipedia page. and.... i am still just as confused. thank you, Wikipedia.
overall: wonderful book, great story line. it's a really fast read, obviously. i definitely recommend it. i'm looking forward to reading the rest of the books in the series.
->The Phoenix. man, who DIDN’T fall in love with this song the first time they heard it? it was the second new fall out boy song, and yet it’s the one that made it really click that this is happening, that they’re back. it’s such a great song and just ugh it shows patrick’s vocal range so well. it’s so intense and so unlike anything fob has done and yet it’s still so fob, y’know?
->My Songs Know What You Did in the Dark (Light ‘Em Up). this is the song that will forever live in our hearts as the first thing fob released once coming off of hiatus. seriously, even if you don’t like it AT ALL, it’s still special to you. even if you (like me) think that the fact that they hired 2 Chainz to come burn records with them was stupid. it’s a good song overall- not the best on the record, but not the worst. and it’s one that they play on the radio a lot and even though that might make you think, “oh now it’s going to be MAINSTREAM and i have to HATE IT,” you’re still happy because it’s so exciting to be just driving along and suddenly the song that brought your favorite band back from hiatus is playing and that just makes your day. i’m speaking from experience.
->Alone Together. ugh. what a beautiful song. the first out of the newer ones, and thank god for that. i just want to scream the words from the top of a building or something. it’s also the song from the album that, for the full duration of it, makes my head scream, “YOU’RE HURTING MY HEART.”
->Where Did the Party Go. one of my least favorite tracks. this whole album is by far more pop than anything fob has done before, but this song is probably the one that shows that the most. it’s not a terrible song at all, it’s pretty good, just nowhere as good as some of the other tracks. it really is, true to its name, a party song. it’s really catchy. it’s just not my favorite, and one of them has to be the bad one, right?
->Just One Yesterday (Feat. Foxes). one of my two favorite tracks off the album. this song is just as gorgeous as Alone Together. i haven’t actually seen that great of feedback on it, though? nothing negative, but it just didn’t stand out to anybody else, i guess. i really want to learn it on guitar, now. i really like the chorus. and it's seriously just so sweet and acoustic-y and... wow.
->The Mighty Fall (Feat. Big Sean). cue sighs. i kind of maybe absolutely hate Big Sean, so i wasn’t very happy with this track. i kind of just want straight-up patrick vocals. it just made the song SO MUCH LESS serious. something i do like: the line “two is so much lonelier than one.” classic pete.
->Miss Missing You. my other favorite off of this album. dear god, is this amazing. the reason this song means so much to people is pretty much because of the line “the one you’d take a bullet for is now behind the trigger.” now, this can be taken two different ways, and both of them seem likely to be thought up by pete wentz. it could be thought of (in a LITERAL sense, i’m NOT getting into pete’s metaphors here) as the person you love the most shooting YOU, or it could be taken as that person shooting THEMSELVES- either way, they’re the one behind the trigger. in the first, it’s like betrayal, and in the second, it shows how you love somebody so much you’d do anything to save them... except you can’t save them from themselves. ponder, ponder.
->Death Valley. this song doesn’t stand out as much to me, but after i made myself go back and listen to it over and over again to write this review: damn. seriously, patrick, you have range- range like no motherfucker knows (points to you if you know what this is from). seriously, it’s really good, and patrick makes those amazing deep-voiced growly sounds and that makes me feel lightheaded. wow.
->Young Volcanoes. why, WHY is this the second-shortest (by one second) track on the album? in the few days since this was released early, i’ve listened to it more times than MSKWYDITD. i also have it memorized and i am in love with the lyrics and the freaking beat, oh my god.
->Rat a Tat (Feat. Courtney Love). i’m not even going to go into details on this. by far the worst song on the album- and that’s so unfortunate. i honestly believe that, without Courtney’s talking and terrible vocals, this could have been great.
->Save Rock and Roll (Feat. Elton John). this is the perfect closing song. fob clearly knows EXACTLY what they’re doing here. man, this song broke some hearts. this was probably the song with the best feedback, and it earned it, for sure. so damn beautiful, and the first time i listened to it, i was ACTUALLY crying. no joke. there were tears streaming down my face as i thanked whatever higher deity there may be that fall out boy is back, that fall out boy exists, and that fall out boy was here for me in my worst times. this is what that song is, and it really makes the album despite being so different from the rest of it.
in conclusion: it's so much different than classic fall out boy. it's not as good as Infinity on High or Take This to Your Grave. tons of people hate it. tons of people think fall out boy are selling out. this band is getting tons of hate and losing fans from this. and that's why it's so good. it's called fucking save rock and roll. save the music business before it all goes to waste. it's about doing something that nobody else does, because you want to- because THAT is what makes it rock and roll.
love, love, love.
((unrelated: i sent my letter out to gerard this morning and now i am terrified and wishing that i hadn't. also, stoked for the new paramore album coming out tomorrow!!))